Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
