Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
