I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
