Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize