a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
