im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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