I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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