I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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