i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
