i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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