I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize