so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize