WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
