This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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