I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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