i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
