So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
