i was born a porn star she said
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize