If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
