I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
