So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
