I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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