There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
