i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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