I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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