I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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