I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize