I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
