The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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