What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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