She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
