shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
