she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
