also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
