You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
