Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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