I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
