the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
