The maid of honor just puked.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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