her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
