What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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