Sry I called you an 8
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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