Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
