I can't watch pbs sober anymore
please come you make the beer taste better
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
