But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
