you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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