it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
