u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's never too late to be topless.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize