i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
