im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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