Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
