She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
