And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
