dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They took my balls.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
