is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
