dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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