Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize